Friday Happy Hour: Guinea Pig Edition

It was not a good week for America’s favorite crazy uncle, Rudy Giuliani. Two of Rudy’s “associates” got bagged for campaign finance violations by federal authorities, right before they tried to board an international flight to Anywhere but Here. Ensnared with these two totally legitimate businessmen was “Congressman One,” which is an appellation that no member of Congress wants. 

The U.S. Navy will be christening a new ship that honors Pennsylvania’s contributions to our Armed Forces. We have been unable to confirm the rumor that the U.S.S. Harrisburg will be the first incinerator-powered ship in history.   

The Trump Trade War with China continues to kick the soybeans out of Pennsylvania farmers, we learned this week. Our farmers are currently getting 40-50% less for soybeans than a year ago, which is causing many of them to see nothing but red ink where their crops used to be.   

Despite throwing around subpoenas like they are nerf footballs, congressional Democrats may – and we say this with an abundance of caution – be closer to voting on President Trump’s USMCA trade deal after Mexico agreed to come up with some better labor standards (better being something more than the current none.) The Son of NAFTA is coming!

The Trump 2020 team is reportedly targeting Amish voters in Pennsylvania. We can assume a robust digital media strategy is not part of that effort. 

The American Civil Liberties Union and the League of Women Voters have launched a legal assault on the crime victims’ bill of rights ballot question this fall, for some odd reason. The groups are contending that the Marsy’s Law ballot question passed by the General Assembly in two separate legislative sessions was done so improperly. Nothing like questioning the rules of the game in the ninth inning. 

Pennsylvania’s state parks are an integral part of our Commonwealth’s tourism industry, hosting 10 million visitors a year. Despite adding 81,000 additional acres over the past decade, those parks also operate with fewer staff and need about $500 million in facility upgrades. So we either pony up or lease it all to Bass Pro Shops and be done with it. 

Volunteer fire departments across the state are about to partake in about $60 million in new grant funding, we learned this week. This is great news for our first responders, who would much prefer responding to fires and rescuing cats from trees than selling hoagies.   

Governor Wolf’s decision to enter into the Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative last week was met with some skepticism by the House GOP. This week that skepticism tuned into some loud murmurs. Next week we expect the murmurs will become abject rage.   

Lawmakers and the Wolf administration are getting serious about finding some real solutions to the state’s suicide epidemic. House members heard testimony in central Pennsylvania this week and it was very hard, but very necessary, to watch.

If you are ready to grab your hunting license, be sure to do it through the state and not through some online broker. Scammers and online thieves have infiltrated the world of hunters and anglers in Pennsylvania, which we are not sure is a very bright idea since those people tend to be armed.   

The Department of State is urging folks to get their absentee ballots early this year to avoid the huge, last-minute rush that comes with off-year, municipal elections. The good news is that for the first time ever, you can apply online! Welcome to the Internet, dear voters!  

A bill that will levy fees on electric vehicles (which pay zero in gas taxes) has hit a snag in the General Assembly, as lawmakers haggle over the Porridge Question, as we like to call it. Some say the fee is too high, some say it is too low. We will let you know when they get it just right. 

Governor Wolf this week signed a bill that will make it tougher for telemarketers to interrupt your dinner or your nightly game of Fortnite. This is very good news, because the current law leaks like a sieve.   

In our We Can’t Make This Up segment this week, we take you to lovely (and presumably very hot) Ecuador, where a local company has started making guinea pig-flavored ice cream. Shocking absolutely no one, Turkey Hill currently has no plans to offer this delicacy in Pennsylvania.

That’s what passes for news around here on board the U.S.S. Triad! Come back next week and we will have a boatload more to share with you! Until then, have a great weekend!